Dē pernā
Colloquium anōnymus scrīpsit, Logodaedalus in Latīnum vertit
– Is that ham processed? If it’s processed I don’t want it.
– Ma'am, that is an eleven pound whole slab of deli ham. It has no bones, fat, or connective tissue. It is an amalgamation of the meat of several pigs, emulsified, liquefied, strained, and ultimately inexorably joined in an unholy meat obelisk. God had no hand in the creation of this abhorrence. The fact that this ham monolith exists proves that God is either impotent to alter His universe or ignorant to the horrors taking place in his kingdom. This prism of pork is more than deli meat. It is a physical declaration of mankind’s contempt for the natural order. It is hubris manifest. We also have a lower sodium variety if you would prefer that.
– Estne illa perna condītānea? Sī condītānea est, eam emere nōlo.
– Domina, ista integra est massa ūndecim pondō pernae ex tabernā cuppēdināriā, cui neque ossa, neque adeps, neque tēla cōnexīva sunt. Amalgama est carnis plūrium suum ēmulsiōnātae, liquefactae, cōlātae, ac ad postrēmum pertināciter conjūnctae impium in obeliscum carnis; cujus flāgitiī creātiōnis Deus expers fuit. Cum haec perna monolitha exsistat, vidētur Deum aut mūtāre ūniversum suum nequīre, aut quae horrenda in regnō suō fīant ignōrare. Hoc prisma suillum plūs est quam carō ex tabernā cuppēdināriā: generis hūmānī contemptūs ergā ōrdinem nātūrae professiō corporālis est, ὕβρις manifesta. Nōbīs etiam est speciēs cum minōre natriō, si māluerīs.